A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Comcast has received a notification by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, reporting an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made on or over Comcast's High-Speed Internet service (the 'Service'). The copyright owner has identified the Internet Protocol ('IP') address associated with your Service account at the time as the source of the infringing works. The works identified by the copyright owner in its notification are listed below. Comcast reminds you that use of the Service (or any part of the Service) in any manner that constitutes an infringement of any copyrighted work is a violation of Comcast's Acceptable Use Policy and may result in the suspension or termination of your Service account.

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The Lost Arts of the Outdoors

The Lost Arts of the Outdoors
Outside Magazine has compiled quite the all-encompassing list of outdoors how-tos — from starting a fire to making coffee in the wild to having (good) sex in a tent.

August 2, 2017 at 12:54AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2vceuVc

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Google pizza

• Hello! Gordon's pizza?
• No sir it's Google pizza.
• Ah okay, wrong number
• No sir, Google bought Gordon's
• Okay. Then can I order please...
• Do you want the usual?
• The usual? You know my usual?
• According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, and thick crust
• OK! Yes, that's it...
• May I suggest you add ricotta, arugula and sun-dry tomato?
• No, I don't want vegetables
• But your cholesterol is very high
• How do you know that?
• Through your opt-in to our daily specials email. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
• Okay, but I do not want extras on my pizza, I am medicated for the condition
• You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Meds4U dot com
• I bought more from another supplier
• It's not showing on your credit card
• I paid in cash
• But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
• I have other source of cash
• This is not showing as per your 2017 Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared income source -WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm going to an Island without internet or phone and no one to spy on me
• I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago..

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Me while talking to a lady friend :

Me : Hey, i read about this the other day ; did you know that 80% of women masturbate in the shower? Do you know what the other 20% do?

Her : No, what?

Me : Yea, I figured you were in the first group

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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying:

"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest

"Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"

They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued:

"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:

"What about the two at the gate?"

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I sleep better naked...

...why cant the flight attendant understand that?

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