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Chủ Nhật, 13 tháng 8, 2017

A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.

Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.

As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade left by the gravedigger.

Tripping on the spade, he falls into the grave, landing heavily on the coffin. As fear grips his heart, he scrambles to climb from the grave, only to be flung headlong out onto the mound of dirt lying beside the grave. In terror, he turns to see a black coffin, standing vertically by the foot of the grave.

Screaming, he turns and runs at a full sprint in the opposite direction, ignoring the whip of low-lying tree branches on his neck and face. In the midst of his flight of terror, he hears a rhythmic 'THUMP, THUMP' following him. Turning mid stride, he sees the coffins now pursuing him, bounding effortlessly over headstones and leaving deep indentations where it lands.

Squeezing what little power he has left from his legs, he vaults the perimeter wall of the graveyard in a single vault. Glancing behind, he sees the coffin barrel straight through the wall, doing the same to the house gate he hastily bolts behind himself. Reaching the front door of his home, he fumbles for the right key, hands shaking and scratching the wood surrounding the keyhole.

Not bothering to close the door behind him, he sprints headlong up the stairs, thinking this obstacle would be enough to stop his pursuer. With a strangely pensive cadence the coffin moves up the stairs, taking them three at a time.

With the certainty of his demise becoming evident, he rushes to the cabinet in the bathroom at the top of the landing, desperately looking for a weapon to defend himself.

Rummaging blindly, his hand brushes and bumps past bandages, bottles of pills, searching for something as his eyes remained locked on his demise as it reaches the top of the stairs.

Just as his last hope begins to fade, his hand grasps a solid object, a large glass bottle of cough syrup. As the coffin reaches the door of bathroom, he raises his hand and throws the heavy bottle in a last act of defiance, breaking it on the lid of his pursuer.

And just like that, the coffin stops.

As a Canadian..

Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...

...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

NSFW

Watched some really weird porn the other day: just a sad, fat naked guy masturbating. Then I realised the TV was off.

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Vladamir Putin, Donald Trump, and Kim Jong Un all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Donald Trump calls America and talks for 2 hours. When he was finished the devil informs him that his cost is 6 million dollars, so The Don writes him a check. Finally Kim Jong Un gets his turn and he's talking to all his friends, his harem, and all his generals for 20 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that his cost would be $1. When Trump and Putin hear this they go ballistic and ask the devil why Kim Jong Un got to call North Korea for so cheap. The devil replied, "Well, from hell to hell it's local."

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body.

Then I was born.

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”

She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”

So, Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”

“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”