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Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 8, 2017

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock". The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[Introducing girlfriend to my family]

Me : This is my girlfriend janine

Janine : Hi

Wife : What the fuck

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard. She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous. We must save the lady!"

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"