A man and woman were having sex and the woman was dissatisfied

Woman : You know, this wasn't what I expected when you said you were magical in bed *Man pulls out ten of hearts Man : And is this your card? Woman : Holy shit...

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The Sun and the Moon walk into a bar...

Sun: Ahhh damn it! I forgot my wallet. Moon: Hey no worries, I'll cover ya....

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Importance of a name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit...

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Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair....

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My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel....

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I still remember my grandfather's last words

Don't point that gun at me you idiot...

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Interview with NASA

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered...

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