I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

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Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.

A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacuate, but she refuses saying "Jesus will provide".

At first, the storm is light but as the night progresses the wind and rain kill the power. Time passes, and soon the storm surge has her up on the roof of her house. She brings only an electric lantern and prays "Jesus will provide".

Another hour passes, and to her surprise the coast guard is patrolling the floodwaters looking for people trying to brave the storm. They motion her to board the boat, but she refuses. "Jesus will provide" A few more hours pass, and the boat a second time tries to get this woman into the boat. A second time, she refuses. "Jesus will provide"

At this point, her house is nearly completely underwater. Only a tiny section of her roof is still above water. Seeing how dire the situation is, the coast guard tries to force to woman into the boat. But she fights them off with her lantern shouting "Jesus will provide". Seeing the futility of their efforts, the coast guard leaves. Not long after, the woman slips on a shingle, and drowns in the floodwaters.

In front of St. Peter, the woman is livid and demands to see Jesus. How could her lord and savior not save such a good Christian woman such as herself? It takes some time, but she eventually meets Jesus where she asks

"Lord, I prayed to you every day. Why did you not save me during the storm?"

Confused, Jesus looks at her.

"Lady, I sent the boat back three times"

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My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

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A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

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Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

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Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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