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Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 8, 2017

I was fired for sending one of my students to detention "for being tardy".

Special education just wasn't for me.

I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.

But nature is only out a buck.

My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

I have a fear of speed bumps

I'm slowly getting over it

Edit: My first dad joke.

I could tell my wife was cheating on me when she said she was out with her friend.

Her friend has been in bed with me for the past hour. That lying, cheating bitch.

North Korea now has a missle that can reach New York City, and I think that's really scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Levictus 20:13 esv]