Someone knocked on my door and asked if I had found Jesus

I explained it wasn't my turn to watch him this time, and they really should have used bigger nails....

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I accidentally ate a handful of scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster...

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Voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps...

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Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime....

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If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder....

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What did the left cheek say to the right cheek?

If we stick together we can stop this shit....

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A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!” The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “hey, aren’t you that rope I just kicked out?” And the rope replied “no, I’m a frayed knot.”...

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