I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them.

He asked: "By mistake?"

I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

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My wife walked in on me while watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you already know how to fish."

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You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

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My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

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Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

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If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

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Teacher - 'Use dandelion in a sentence'

Jamaican student - 'De cheetah is faster dandelion'

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