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Thứ Ba, 5 tháng 9, 2017

Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school.

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.

Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"

The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".

The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."

Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.

The class remains quiet.

The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?

Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.

At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.

Eddy looks around and says:

Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.

One week later the old man dies.

At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying. The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying. Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

I'm 60 days clean.

It's been hard showering for 60 days, but thankfully heroin has helped me through it.

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'. And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Twelve:

One to screw it in.

One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination.

One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination.

One to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “sexual”.

One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic.

One to blame men for not changing the bulb.

One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it.

One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs.

One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs.

One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians.

One to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men.

One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!