What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Cutting your toe off with an axe

Read More

I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"

Read More

The Promotion

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".

"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

Read More

"Indecisive" is my favourite word.

Actually, no it isn't.

Read More

I just found out I'm being followed!

My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back.

Read More

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

Read More

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth one.”

Read More