Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

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A police officer stopped my mom's car.

Officer: First name? Mom: Frida Officer: Last name? Mom: Gomam Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?

And my mom hit the accelerator.

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I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid,

but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

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Wife: You're shirtless?

Me: Yes

Wife: And also covered in.. oil?

Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen! you never listen.

Me: Ohhh

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Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

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Spanish Dad Joke

Dad: Son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad

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