I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU

'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why should I be dancing?'

NIGHT FEVER

I started to become more confused then frightened now, I needed to get to the bottom of this. 'You're talking gibberish' I shouted!

JIVE TALKIN. HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE. STAYING ALIVE...

'God damn it!' I shouted. That old bastard sold me a Bee Gee board!

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Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three?

Because they literally can't even.

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God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me"

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?” 

God said, “Go down into that valley” 

Adam said, “What’s a valley ?” 

God explained it to him.  Then God said

“Cross the River."

Adam said, “What’s a river ?" 

God explained that to him, and then said, 

“Go over to the hill …” 

Adam said, “What is a hill ?” 

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was

He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave” 

Adam said, ‘What’s a cave ?' 

After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman” 

Adam said, “What’s a woman ?'   So God explained that to him, too

Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce"

Adam said, “How do I do that ?” 

God first said (under His breath), “Geez …” 

And then, just like everything else,  God explained that to Adam as well

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman

In about five minutes, he was back

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it 

Adam said

“What's a Headache ?"

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This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

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A kid was doing horribly in math class..

He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?" He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."

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There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Air Force guy pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

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My wife is like gravity

Always there, and constantly bringing me down

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