Donald Trump is asked "What's 2 + 2?"

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

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Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

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I'm Still A Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced eight husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married eight times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kept telling me how great it would be. Husband #2 was a Salesman, never tried it but told others how great it is. Husband #3 was an Engineer, he understood the process but wanted a few years to study possible methods of implementing the process. Husband #4 was in Management, he thought he knew how, was told by others how to do it, was tutored, and even seen video clips on how, but was never able to deliver. Husband #5 was a Mama's boy, she would not let him do it. Husband #6 was a Psychologist, all he did was talk about it. Husband #7 was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. Husband #8 was a stamp collector, all he wanted to do is lick it... GOD I miss him! But now that I married you, I am really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"Because," said the new bride. "You're a Lawyer, I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

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The Stolen Horse

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd, “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston.”

The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the Desperado saddles up, a local can’t help but ask, “Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?”

The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man, “I had to walk home.”

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[long] European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language...

of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility . As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English ".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy . The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter .

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter .

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling . Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away .

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v ".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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Whispering in the library

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?

"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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