I told her I couldn't give two shits.
Thứ Sáu, 6 tháng 10, 2017
Magic Dildo
Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.
A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went to the local sex shop and asked the lady at the counter what the best product she had to offer was. The woman pointed at the $400 sex doll in the corner and asked the man, "Will that do?" Not wanting his wife to think of the sex doll as another man, the husband shook his head and asked for another suggestion. The counter clerk pointed at the back wall where a rack of dragon dildos hung, to which the man replied that he had plenty of those at home and was looking for something a little more special.
Looking partially defeated, the counter clerk put her hand to her forehead and thought for a while before removing her hand and saying, "We have one other option but I really wanted it for myself. It's one of a kind." The man, intrigued, says "Let me see it." The clerk pulls out a antiquated box inlaid with gems along its side. She opens it and pulls out a rather normal looking dildo and turns to the man, who is obviously disappointed. The clerk sees this and announces, "This is not just any old dildo. It's a magic dildo. It will fill your wife with pleasure once she says the words, 'Magic Dildo,' followed by whatever she hole she desires to put it in. The magic dildo will then fly up straight into her, filling her with an orgasm like she's never had before. She'll be plenty busy with it." The husband looks skeptical, so the clerk decides to display the dildo's powers for him. Holding the dildo in her hand, she confidently states "Magic dildo, my pussy." Upon which the dildo soars from her palm to her vagina, making her immediately open her mouth wide in pants and intensity. After about ten minutes of this, she seems satisfied and says, "Magic dildo, the box." Making the dildo fly back to a rest. Impressed, the man rushes home to give the dildo to his wife.
A week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "Magic dildo, my pussy." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.
One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "Magic dildo, my pussy." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.
The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.
"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to lose control!"
The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildo, my ass."
Sometimes at work...
...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"
Engineer vs Manager
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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