A million or more lab rats die each year and my fiance screams at me for running over a mouse.

That's the last time we're going to Disney.

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My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

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My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

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Did you know penguins scream whilst having sex?

Maybe not all of them? But definitely the one I cornered at the Zoo.

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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning

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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs and she said "Press One?" So I did... I don't remember much after that.

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My sister made me some coffee today

Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis

Her: It was good?

Me: I just said it was average.

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