A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar...

You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

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I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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In an argument, a woman always has the last word.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?" "Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor." Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes.

Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."

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What do breasts and martinis have in common?

One is not enough and three are too many.

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I saw a woman driving with her hazards on.

And I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."

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