Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
later
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 10, 2017
The seven dwarfs are in church
The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.
Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.
Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.
The dwarfs continue their interference.
Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"
The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"
Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
She claimed tall, blond aliens kidnapped her as a child. Now she’s running for Congress.
She claimed tall, blond aliens kidnapped her as a child. Now she’s running for Congress.
Several years before the 59-year-old announced her candidacy for Congress, Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera appeared on TV and talked in great detail about her experiences with aliens.
October 17, 2017 at 08:14AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2xKPEsM
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
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