To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

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I like my ceiling.

It's not the best, but it's up there.

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My girlfriend hates it when I call her 'curvy'.

She says it's Scoliosis.

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Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.

One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:

"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the holes, but she couldn't come so we'll have to make do without her."

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I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

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One Buddhist asked another Buddhist, "How's life?"

The second Buddhist answered, "I've had better."

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Husband buys a yacht...

Husband:raises glass to our new "YAKT"
Wife: the "c"is silent.
Husband: Staring out at the horizon yes it's very tranquil, you're right.

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