A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”...

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So I walked up to the widow at a funeral.

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do." Me: (clears throat) "Plethora." Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."...

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen....

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A man walks into a library...

And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?" "Hard back?" "Yeah, with little heads"...

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A man who had just died is delivered to a local mortuary....

and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband...

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Why does the stool you sit on to milk a cow only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder......

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Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for...

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