A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them

"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.

The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh hysterically . God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"

She replies "I just got the first one."

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How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream.

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My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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Teacher : "Why are you late?"

Student: "Someone told me to go to hell."

Teacher: "Why did that make you late to class?"

Student: "I couldn't find it at first, but now here I am."

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What gets bigger the more you take from it?

The lower class.

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a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

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A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

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