I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.

In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.

I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Just then, I looked at my phone, and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard

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What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison?

You know he actually did it.

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The Most Expensive Mile of Subway Track on Earth

The Most Expensive Mile of Subway Track on Earth
How excessive staffing, little competition, generous contracts and archaic rules dramatically inflate capital costs for transit in New York.

December 29, 2017 at 09:02PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2pVeZkX

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A poor Irish family lives on a farm...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.

"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.

The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.

"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.

The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.

"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.

Poof! A female leprechaun appears.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.

The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.

The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"

The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.

The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?"

She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion."

The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?"

She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland."

The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"

"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.

"The cow didn't."

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To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

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A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

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Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?

Girl: No. They spread.

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