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Chủ Nhật, 7 tháng 1, 2018

Buy a tie

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?” The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.” The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! " “Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”. Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.

How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven’t had sex all year.

It’s getting less funnier each day I tell her.

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My favorite joke I was told as a child.

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."