I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!

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I googled "Rorschach Test"

But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting

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I used to be addicted to Tide Pods...

But I’m clean now.

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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant...

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase in my garage!”

The Godfather says, “Well!? What did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says to go fuck yourself. You don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

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How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her.

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