An escaped convict was on the run:

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had managed to break out of prison. 

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied them to some chairs, across the room from each other.

He went over to the the woman, and appeared to be kissing her neck.  Suddenly he stood up and went into the bathroom. As soon as he had left, the husband shifted his way across the room to his wife, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Baby, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After a second, the wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. Because he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him we kept it in the bathroom.  Be strong and I love you."

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Every yo mama joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of people...

.... Just like yo mama.

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who'll join him in the pool."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it's tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish.

An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief.

The millionaire said, "Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then."

"Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Brian.

So the millionaire said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"

"No thanks, I don't want it," Brian insisted.

The millionaire said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"

Once again, Brian said, "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Brian, then what do you want?"

"I want the bastard who pushed me in," said Brian.

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Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."

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How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

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My girlfriend is like an advanced calculus class.

I don't have a clue what's going on but seems like those others guys are getting it.

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“What do we want?!”

“Low flying airplane noises!”

“When do we want em?”

“NEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW”

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