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Thứ Hai, 5 tháng 2, 2018

*Tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he is not buying it, in fact he is still making fun of me.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday..

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!"

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 am...

3 am can you believe this? Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.