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Thứ Ba, 6 tháng 2, 2018

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.

A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c?

Because you can't see in the dark.

Ba-dum-tss

Did you hear? Gaston won an award!

He won the No Belle prize.

My friend gave me a porno video.

When it put it in the player all it had was a blurred picture of some old, fat, bald guy naked and having a wank. I was fucking furious until I realised I had forgotten to turn on the TV.

I’ve googled “how to juggle” a million times...

I’ve just never had the balls to actually try it.

Netflix Just Announced 'The Cloverfield Paradox' Is Premiering Tonight


Netflix Just Announced 'The Cloverfield Paradox' Is Premiering Tonight
The third movie in the "Cloverfield" anthology (and maybe prequel to the first?) made its debut on Netflix right after the Super Bowl.

February 5, 2018 at 12:43PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2EG9yKr

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.