I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
Thứ Tư, 7 tháng 2, 2018
An Idiot is always an idiot
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.
3 men visit Heaven
3 men die and go to Heaven. The men are greeted by god who explains to them that heaven is very large and they will need cars to get around. The car they are given is based on each mans faithfulness to his wife while living. The first man was married 25 years and cheated on his wife 30 times, he is given a shitty old ford pinto and drives off. The second man was married 34 years and cheated on his wife 6 times and is given a 2005 Mercedes. The third man was married 55 years and never cheated once, he is given a new Bentley. The first two men proceed to drive down the road when they see the third man crying in his Bentley on the roadside. They ask him what could be wrong you have a Bentley and are in heaven? The third man replies “yeah... but I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard”
This is how bad the economy is:
-My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
-Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
-CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
-Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
-A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
-If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
-McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
-Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
-Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
-A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
-A picture is now only worth 200 words.
-When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
-The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally….
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
A Redditor became a chemist
And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.
He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.
He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortunate effect of being too effective at sedating the users. There were numerous reports of half-dissolved breath mints becoming lodged in unconscious purchasers' airways, causing asphyxiation and eventually death. This news led the Redditor into a great depression.
His son tried to cheer him up. "Dad," the son said, "Your breath mints are a huge commercial success! I'm eating one of your caffeinated mints and feel terrific!"
"Son," the Redditor wistfully explained, "The real choke is always in the calm mints."
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
gasp "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
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