This is how bad the economy is:

-My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

-Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

-CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

-Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

-A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

-If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

-McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

-Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

-Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

-A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

-A picture is now only worth 200 words.

-When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

-The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally….

• I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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A Redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortunate effect of being too effective at sedating the users. There were numerous reports of half-dissolved breath mints becoming lodged in unconscious purchasers' airways, causing asphyxiation and eventually death. This news led the Redditor into a great depression.

His son tried to cheer him up. "Dad," the son said, "Your breath mints are a huge commercial success! I'm eating one of your caffeinated mints and feel terrific!"

"Son," the Redditor wistfully explained, "The real choke is always in the calm mints."

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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

gasp "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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This is how the world’s most covetable cameras get made

This is how the world’s most covetable cameras get made
Every one of Hasselblad's frightfully expensive X1D cameras comes stamped with a "Handmade in Sweden" inscription, and I was curious to find out just how well-earned that tagline is.

February 6, 2018 at 10:00PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2nIASAB

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A pirate walked into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

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If I spank Dwayne Johnson...

does that mean I hit Rock bottom?

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