What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

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F___ the Indians!!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.

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Okay - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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A blonde joke my sub told us.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

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My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

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A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. “I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread”, said the wife. “Why?” asked the husband, “Don’t we have a vase?”

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Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

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