But the priest is in jail now.
Thứ Hai, 12 tháng 2, 2018
Can your D*ck touch your as*hole?
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fck yourself, these are my chips."
My favorite Lent joke (as told to me by an Episcopal reverend)
A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood. It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.
The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around. During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat. Every day at lunch, however, as his neighbors were eating cold tuna sandwiches, the Protestant would grill himself a big, juicy steak that could be smelled throughout the neighborhood.
Several weeks into Lent, the Catholics meet after Mass to discuss the issue. They didn't want to be unneighborly, but the smell was really driving them crazy.
Then, one of them comes up with a suggestion: since the Protestant moved to a Catholic community, maybe he'd be open to converting. While it wouldn't fix the problem that year, it would make next year's Lent go much more smoothly. After much debate, they agree to bring the offer to the Protestant.
To their surprise and delight, he is completely open to converting. He goes through the process and gets rebaptized as a Catholic. The entire neighborhood shows up for his confirmation, where the priest splashes him with holy water while saying, "You were born a Protestant ... you were raised a Protestant ... and now you're a Catholic."
The next year goes smoothly, and the whole neighborhood gets along great. Then, Lent rolls around again. As everyone is at home with their cold tuna sandwiches, a smell permeates the air: charcoal, wood chips, STEAK. Confused, everyone rushes over to the convert's house.
They find him standing over his grill, a juicy steak cooking away. He's splashing the slab of meat with beer, and the neighbors hear him speaking in a solemn voice.
"You were born a cow ... you were raised a cow ... and now you're a fish."
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Afternoon Sex
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. “There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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