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Thứ Năm, 15 tháng 2, 2018

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed?

With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

A women was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

Thứ Tư, 14 tháng 2, 2018

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree."

It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.