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Thứ Ba, 20 tháng 2, 2018

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to the fri-

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."

The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were inside are dead. The wife goes even more crazy wanting to pass through and find her husband. The fire man tries to explain that due to the fire all the corpses are coal black and that she wouldn't be able to identify him.

The wife now even crazier insists on going in. "I have been his wife for 20 years, I know every inch of him. I definitely can tell him apart." so the firemen finally decide to let her in.

She goes to the first bag, opens its, reaches with her hand all the way down to his private area... "hmmm, that's not him". She then goes to the next bag repeats the same thing, "hmmmmm, that's not him either".

She opens the third bag, again reaches all the way down to the guys privates. but this time there is a long pause. "mmmmm This guy is not even from this building"

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 2, 2018

Heaven Vs Hell

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator. 

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he  realizes it, it is time to go. 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises .. 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 

'Now it's time to visit heaven.' 

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,  before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' 

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above... 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says....... 

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.