A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs!...

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A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside. The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were inside are dead. The wife goes even more crazy wanting to pass through and find her husband. The fire man tries to explain that due to the fire all the corpses are coal black and that she wouldn't be able to identify him. The wife now even crazier insists on...

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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet....

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A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections....

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Heaven Vs Hell

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.  'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'  'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.  'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can...

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James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant "Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?" "No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "...

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A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken....

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