Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...

Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.

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It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?" A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?" Another answers, "Pierre." The young recruit gets up, puts his rifle on the edge of the trench, aims, then shouts, "Pierre!!" From the other trench, a blue helmed head pops up, and answeres, "Oui?" Bang! The frenchman falls over dead. The german shouts again, "Pierre!!" Another french man looks up, asking "Oui?" Bang! He is dead as well. This continues for another half an hour, with the germans having a whale of a good time.

The french commanders stick their heads together. "This can't continue! Our men are dying like flies!" "Can't we turn that tactic on them, as well?" The french think. "What's a typical German name?" "Erich." They decide to try it out immediatly. They send a soldier out with their new master plan. He get's his rifle, nervously peeks out of the trench at the german line, then shouts: "Erich!!" Nothing happens. He shouts again, "Erich!!" Still, no answer. Slightly annoyed, he shouts louder. "ERICH!!"

From the other side, a german voice in french asks, "Is that you, Pierre?" The french soldier looks up, "Oui!!", Bang , and get's shot.

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks

“Some asshole has got my pen.”

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Why does the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base

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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

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I was in the library the other day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were?

I replied, "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."

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I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

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