When I left for work this morning my neighbour was scrubbing his front door...

... as someone had graffitied "PAEDO" on it.

Me: "Mate, what's been going on?"

Neighbour: "Fucking kids..."

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What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

A key!

This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

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An average Englishman has sex 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has sex once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

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I saw a study online that said 1 out of 10 people are gay, which freaked me out because I’ve had sex with 10 people

Statistically, that means one of those other dudes was probably gay

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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