A Nazi goes to a bar....

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar

"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".

Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.

"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"

Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner."

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

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So a redditor walks into a bar

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again".

Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes.

"How about this?" he asks, "A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery..."

"Heard it.", interrupts the redditor. "It's reposted every month."

The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes.

"Ooh, here we go, so why did the orangutan cross the road.. "

"Heard it!!", the redditor snaps. "that's reposted every week!"

The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. "Aha! This one is sure to impress.. What is Donald Trumps favorite nation? "

"No, no, no!!!", the redditor cries out. "That joke is reposted every day!"

"OK, OK, please give me one more try", the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. "Nope... nope... nope... YES!! This is a great one!"

"OK, lay it on me", the redditor asks eagerly.

"Here it is", the bartender replies. "So a redditor walks into a bar..."

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My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:  

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."  

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"  

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.  

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.  

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

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I have to ask myself, is my wife unsatisfied?

a tiny part of me says yes

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I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

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