[first day as a car salesman]

Customer: Cargo space?

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.

Manager: Can I see you in my office?

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Irish hooker..

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it."

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I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."

Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

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This No-Look, Misdirection Pass From LeBron Is Poetry

This No-Look, Misdirection Pass From LeBron Is Poetry
​The argument that LeBron's passes are the best part of his game added another piece of evidence on Sunday night.

March 12, 2018 at 10:04AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2p94d71

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My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

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