My first condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

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I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.

He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

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A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

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Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

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I told a fencing joke on Reddit once.

Turned out to be a riposte.

EDIT: I'll be en garde now.

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An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he said: "First Officer, I demand zat ze u-boat be scoured, and every one of zese posters be taken down! Make sure you find who did it and report back to me so zey can be punished!" “Yes of course Captain. I’ll find out who did it, and punish them immediately!” After a few days of questioning crewmen, the first officer was unable to find the perpetrator. Soon after, the posters of the captain reappeared. The captain, becoming increasingly angry, ordered their removal for a second time. After a second round of questioning and poster removal, all was silent for a few days. Then the posters began to reappear. "First Officer!" the captain roared "You are evidently not doing your job, ze posters are back all over ze u-boat, even worse zan before!"

The first officer fired back at the captain. "It's not my fault sir! It's just that everything is always reposted several times on this sub!" ^{"even this fucking joke."}

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My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall...

I said maybe.

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