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Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 3, 2018

The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer stopped in local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.'

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that at last I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?''

"I used a different cock," he replied.

 The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!" 

A lorry driver

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees. Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy. "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now.

A bad workman blames his fools.

*edit: tools. Stupid keyboard.

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."

If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...

I'd have 1,526 pennies.

Thứ Ba, 27 tháng 3, 2018

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon

That’s what happens when you cut corners