I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
Thứ Ba, 3 tháng 4, 2018
This One-Handed Catcher's Throwing Technique Is So Smooth, We Almost Didn't Notice It
This One-Handed Catcher's Throwing Technique Is So Smooth, We Almost Didn't Notice It
How much practice did this take? Because he's got it down.
April 3, 2018 at 01:24AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2pYTjRM
Donald Trump dies and when he gets to hell he sees the Devil
The Devil says to him, "Donald we've been expecting you. Unfortunately we are full right now and don't have room for you. But if you want I'll show you three rooms I could make available to you."
Trump agrees and the Devil opens the door to the first room and they see Richard Nixon endlessly diving into a pool of water and getting out. Over and over again. That is how he is spending eternity.
Trump says, "Well I can't do that. That would mess up my hair."
On they go. The Devil opens the door to the second room and there is Ronald Reagan swinging a sledge hammer all day long at a rock wall. Everyday this is what he does.
Once again Trump says, "Well I can't do that. I have a bad shoulder."
So then the Devil brings Trump to the third and final room. He opens the door and there is Bill Clinton getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky.
Upon seeing this Trump is ecstatic. He says to the Devil, "This looks great! I will definitely take this room."
The Devil then puts his head in the room and says,"Alright Monica, your time is done here."
How about an Indian joke?
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
Thứ Hai, 2 tháng 4, 2018
My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.
She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.
She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.
A man gets a job as a train conductor...
...for years he’s been great at his job. When the train arrives at the station he blows the whistle to announce the arrival and for the opening of the doors. After everyone gets off and on he, blows the whistle for the closing of the doors and the train departure.
It was a pretty mindless job and one day he was working away, blowing his whistle, the trains came and went, and on one particular train he thought everyone had boarded and he blew the whistle, when an old lady with her dog was still getting on the train. The doors closed and chopped the lady clean in half, killing her.
The man being responsible for this woman’s death was tried in court and found guilty of manslaughter. The sentence was death by the chair. He was placed in a cell until his execution. A few hours before he was to be killed, the warden came to his cell.
“You get one last meal, anything. You name it.”
“Really?” The man said. “Well if I were to have one last meal it would be 50kg of bananas
The warden looked stunned, he wasn’t sure if he heard him right, but the man looked sincere and who was he to deny him this last meal.
So he buys 50kg of bananas and takes them back to the cell. The warden looks in amazement and disgust as the man devours the bananas skin and all.
After stuffing himself and making quite a mess, the man is led to the electric chair. He’s strapped in, and the electrodes attached. The executioner places his hand on the lever “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and grimaces, only to find the man is perfectly fine. He pulls its again, and again but still nothing happens. They check the wires but everything is okay, the man just won’t die.
The warden is stunned “We’ll only an act of God could save you. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die. Your free to go.”
So the man leaves and gets a job as a train conductor. He’s doing the same thing, blowing the whistle for arrivals and departures. The trains come and go when one day all the passengers had gotten on board and he blew his whistle right as a little boy dropped his ball out the doors of the train. He went to retrieve it from the platform when BAM he was caught between the doors and sliced in two.
The man was tried and found guilty of murder, he was sent straight to prison to be executed the next day. He was sitting, stewing in his cell when the warden came along.
“Well it’s your last meal... again, what do you want this time?”
“Well since you’re asking, I’d like 50kg of bananas please.” The man says to the disgruntled warden.
The warden shakes his head and exhales in disbelief. “If you say so.” So he leaves to buy 50kg of bananas.
He returns and gives the bananas to the ravenous man and watches as he lobs them down his throat. To the wardens horror, he’s not even chewing them anymore just chucking them down whole. The man finishes and is taken away to be killed.
The executioner is surprised to see him again. The man is strapped in and attached to the electrodes once again. The executioner grips the handle that will end the mans life and yells “3... 2... 1...” and yanks the lever. Only to his absolute bewilderment, nothing happens. They check the wires, the chair the power and pull again and again but the man remains perfectly fine. By now the warden cannot believe his eyes, but the executioner proclaims “This is an act of God, clearly you are not meant to die, you have been spared yet again and are free to go”
So the man leaves.
And gets a job as a train conductor. He’s blowing his whistle and sending the trains off only this time he’s learnt from his mistakes. He’s intently looking for people every time a train comes and for several months he goes by without killing anyone.
Until one fateful day when he was doing his job and he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever the seen. As she strutted by he whistled and she turned and gave him a wink. Only the train driver heard the whistle and closed the door, crushing a business man, splitting him in twain.
He was seized and sent to court, tried and found guilty of murder for the third time. The judge was done with him and sentenced him to death that day. As he was sitting in his cell once again, the warden came to him.
“50kg of bananas?” He asked the man
“50kg of bananas.” The man replied
The warden walked away, baffled at the events of the past couple of months. He returned with 50kg of bananas and gave them to the man only this time he didn’t finish all the bananas as he had eaten quite a large breakfast. The warden marched him to the electric chair and strapped him in, curious as to what would happen. The executioner is also intrigued as to whether or not the man will cheat death yet again. He grasps the lever and counts down. “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and...
...nothing happens.
The executioner has just given up at this point and says “Well it’s an act of God. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die yet, just promise me you won’t get a job at that damn train company.”
The man makes no promises and walks away, a free man. The warden runs up to him. Panting he asks.
“I have to ask, how have you cheated the electric chair so many times? Is it the bananas?”
Calmly the man replies “No, I’m just a really bad conductor.”
An elderly couple were invited to their friend John's house for the evening
John's wife served dinner, and after eating, the men's wives went through to the kitchen to clean up.
As the men were chatting, one says to the other: "I brought my wife to a great restaurant last night, I really recommend it"
"What was it called?" replied the other
The first man thought for a while, "What's the word for that flower, you know the one with thorns on, usually red I think...?"
"A rose you mean?"
"Ah yes, that's it." He turned round and called into the kitchen, where his wife was washing dishes, "Rose, what was the name of the restaurant we went to yesterday?"
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