A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a hot nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.

Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

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What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks blondes are dumb and that he can get one over on her easily, so the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to fall asleep.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, then you'll ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The blonde quietly reaches into her pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all the references he could find on the internet; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

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I phoned my wife...

...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"

She had just grunted down the phone.

I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins 🙄

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

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How many 99%ers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! Ha! We can’t change anything.

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They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian

Well, they are not laughing now.

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A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

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