She was way better than the other two.
Thứ Năm, 5 tháng 4, 2018
A new jokes store opens up in town.
A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bars".
"Excuse me, sir, is there anything I can help you find?" said one of the store clerks from behind him.
"Oh, uh, yeah," the customer said, startled. He looked around him quickly and picked up one of the newer-looking tricks. "What does this do?" he asked.
The store clerk replied, "Oh, that?" She picked it up and spun it around her finger - or attempted to. "It's a Fidget Spinner Joke. You can try as hard as you want, but it will never spin."
He laughed. "That sounds hilarious! What does this one do?"
"That's our Padlock Joke - it will never open with any key ever, even the one that's provided with it."
"Cool! Can you tell me about these?" And so it went on and on as he asked the poor shopkeeper about what seemed like every new item in the store, until he came back to the wall of sweets.
"What about these Chirp Chocolates?" he asks.
"Well," says the worker, somehow still keeping her energy up, "If you eat one, it'll make you chirp like a bird for a whole minute."
"That's hilarious!" laughs the boy. "Do these Hoot Gummies make you hoot like an owl?" She nodded. "And these Squeaking Marshmallows? And- hey, what's this?" He reached into the large container of wrapped mints and pulled out a brightly-colored fishing reel that had a very tiny handle.
The clerk takes it from him, and sighs, "Oh, darn... I forgot to sort these again last night - it feels like every time I come back our Reel Joke's always hiding in the Caw Mints."
Thứ Tư, 4 tháng 4, 2018
Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.
St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples AND they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.
He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave couldn't cook for shit, but he's gotta try and get back to his wife.
He spots a huge turkey, gobbling around, so he grabs it by the neck and breaks it. He plucks out the feathers, cuts it open and pulls out the giblets. He starts grabbing whatever food he can find in the kitchen, cramming it into the bird with his fist until there's no more room. He grabs a chocolate bar from his back pocket and melts it over the turkey for a glaze. Then he throws it in the oven and waits for it to cook.
It smells like putrid crap, but he has no choice and calls the waiter to come and take it in to Jesus and his mates.
After a few minutes he can hear them in the other room... Jesus and his disciples are chanting his name! "dave... Dave... DAVE!!" they must really love his food! "DAVE... DAVE!... DAAAVEE!!"
THWACK He's hit by a blurry piercing light and suddenly finds himself back on his kitchen floor where he first passed out.
"Dave... What the hell is going on?" shouts his wife
He picks himself up off the floor and shouts, "I'm back! I'm alive!! I've had the most incredible journey. I died and went to heaven, but I'm back!!"
"DAVE..." begins his wife ... "WHAT IN THE BLAZING FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO THE CAT!!?"
A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says “make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”
A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'
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