For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.

Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

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I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days

Excellent.

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A student visits the principal's office

The principal asks: "What is your name, son?"

The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."

Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?"

Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow...

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An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

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A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he placed the bird in the freezer until he could get rid of his mom. They have some small talk and he is able to get her on her way. He runs back and lets the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot says, "Pardon me sir for my prior foul language. I promise you that it will never happen again."

"Well good, thank you."

"May I ask you a question?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"What did the chicken do?"

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I’m in favour of a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words,

I’m for joint support for joint support for joint support.

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