What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms?

A Goodyear

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I walked into my roommate's bedroom and saw him hanging from a rope

On the floor he had left a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

Laying in my arms, his eyes slowly opening, I said:

"You spelled criticism wrong."

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Son asks his father

"Dad, what is gay?"

"Gay means happy, son"

"Dad, are you gay?"

"No, I'm married to your mother"

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Why don't blind people clean up their guide dogs' poop? .

Because they can't see shit

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Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

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