Beat it single handed.
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 4, 2018
A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist
A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."
The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"
So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says "That's absolutely wonderful, what's it called?"
John replies "Oh it's one of my songs, I call it 'Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead'."
The manager, shocked, stammers "Oh, right... urr, do you have any more?"
The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music.
The manager says "Incredible! What do you call this one?"
John replies "Oh, I call that one 'I'm going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon'."
The manager says to him "Ok, look, you're hired. I can't let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won't do in an establishment like this."
So John agrees and starts work that night.
A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant is incredible, people are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners "OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I'm going to take a short break and I'll resume my playing for you shortly," and goes off to take a small comfort break.
As he's returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims "John! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!"
John replies "Know it?! I fucking wrote it!"
Two nuns.....
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 4, 2018
Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.
St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"
Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"
St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs a car in heaven to get around. Only you'll be receiving a beat up old Ford Pinto "
Meanwhile the man sees a couple of his old friends receiving their cars.
The first guy had one minor affair during a rough patch in his marriage and was given a nice Toyota Camry. The second guy is granted a brand new Lamborghini for never even thinking about another woman other than his wife.
All of a sudden, inside heaven, the man with the Ford Pinto starts crying. Concerned, his two friends check on him to ask him why he's so sad.
He points to his wife who is riding around on a pair of roller skates.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
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