Visitor in Harvard Square: "Excuse me, where's the library at?"
Harvard student: "Sir, this is Harvard. We don't end our sentences with prepositions."
Visitor: "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 4, 2018
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.
The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?"
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........
One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.
The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”
25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.
“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eggs, but when they hatched we only got 8 chicks.”
“And what was the moral of that story,” asked the teacher.
“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!”
“Very good!” She responded, “who else would like to share their story?”
This time she called on a girl in the front of the room.
“We raise chickens too, but we raise them for their eggs,” said the girl. “One time we put our eggs in a basket in the back of our truck to take them to market, but on the way we hit a bump and the basket flew out and all the eggs broke.”
“What was the moral there?”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Excellent,” said the teacher. “We have time for one more story- who would like to share?” This time she called on a boy in the back of the room. “Ok, Johnny- tell us your story.”
“My dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in Desert Storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a bottle of whiskey, a machete, and a machine gun. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t go to waste and when she crash landed there were 100 enemy soldier waiting for her. So she killed 80 with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete till the blade broke off, then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.”
The teacher is absolutely appalled, but trying to maintain her composure she chokes out, “and w-what did your father tell you was the moral to that story?”
“To stay the hell away from my aunt Becky when she’s been drinking!”
Đăng ký:
Nhận xét (Atom)