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Chủ Nhật, 6 tháng 5, 2018
During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
“Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."
"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."
So, story is set in Northern Ireland, at a small, very poor farm. Kind of long, stick with it!
There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husband and the dead cow, and hangs herself to death because she doesn't know what to do.
About an hour later, the younger sister comes home, sees the disturbing sights in the barn, and not being able to handle it, drowns herself in the river. It's at this time that the oldest son wakes up, he's about 32. He comes out to the barn to see where everyone is, and sees the sight on the ground. "Ah no, MA!! PA!! The cow! How could this happen, I'll do anything to bring them back, anything!" POOF A female leprechaun shows up, and tells the son "I'll bring your family back if you can fuck me five times without dying." The son gets to it, he fucks the leprechaun once and dies.
Two hours later the middle son, about 25 years old returns, sees the sight in the barn and the leprechaun still hanging around. "Ahh, leprechaun what have you done!" to which the leprechaun replies "I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying." "Five times? No problem!" He gets to it and dies after the second fuck.
Now, the youngest son comes home, he's about fifteen, he sees the sight in the barn, notices the leprechaun who again, says "I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying.". The son says "What if I fuck you ten times?" - "I'll give you riches beyond belief and bring your family back.." "And if I fuck you twenty times?" the leprechaun replies - "I'll make you King of Ireland, give you unlimited wealth and power in addition to bringing your family back." "And if I fuck you fifty times?" - the leprechaun, extremely excited, replies "I'll make you ruler of the world, bring your family back, unlimited wealth and power, anything you can dream of!" The son says "Alright" and takes his pants off. Before anything can happen he says "Wait, how do you know you'll survive" the leprechaun goes "What do you mean?" The son says, "The cow didn't."
Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
Are My Testicles Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"
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