The Beer Festival

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." The bartender hands it over.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" The Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and poof he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. Poof He's gone in a split second. He returns, mouth covered in blood and says, "see that town over there? I have sucked the townspeople's blood down to the last drop".

The last vampire also wants to show off his skill. Poof he's gone at the speed of light. He comes back, his entire face covered in blood. The first to vampires are in awe! The last vampire says, "see that lamp post over there?" The first two vampires eagerly nod, impatient to hear of his feat. The last vampire continues, "well fuck, I sure didn't see it."

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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

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My wife keeps using the old ‘men can’t multitask’ stereotype..

So i said “that’s a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time”

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The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the First Lady.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, she screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling...

The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"

"Ja"

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

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