My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

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My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

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Dad washes his car with his son

Son: Can't you just use a sponge?

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This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

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What is the fear of giants called?

Feefiphobia

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