It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.
I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.
Thứ Năm, 7 tháng 6, 2018
A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"
I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off. I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.
A couple, both age 27, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50.....and I get $43 back from Medicare.
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
Thứ Tư, 6 tháng 6, 2018
A redhead goes to buy a bull
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
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