Three divorced men find a genie

The genie slowly coalesces out of the lamp and addresses his finders. "You each get one wish. However, because you are divorced whatever you ask for will be doubled and given to your ex wife."

The first man blurts out "Well we did end on good terms so... How about $1 million? She'll get two and everyone is happy."

The genie grants his wish and he scoops up his money.

The second man shakes his head and replies "Fuck that. My ex is a blood sucking whore. Give me a Maclaren! She won't know what to do with one, let alone two. Hell, she can't even drive. It may even kill her trying..."

The genie grants his wish and he drives off.

The third guy contemplates some more before he finally speaks. "I want you to scare me half to death."

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What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

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I told my wife we had a pest problem.

But, apparently we have to wait until it’s 18 years old to move out.

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My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

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When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

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The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

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